Just sent a message to Yunzi. For too long I’ve gone without some substantial discipleship. For too long I’ve not learnt much concrete stuff.

I feel it’s becoming stagnant, and I don’t like it. Walking with God like that is a bore. I need more of His guidance and godly discipleship everyday. I need to come back to that place of hunger once again to learn new things, to soar to greater heights with revelations and knowledge imparted. That was how it used to be last time, aaah how great it was. It was such an adventure back then, discovering ugly truths about yourself, and then encouraging yourself and making a decision to change for the better, and having the joy of knowing, you’re gonna be a greater person. I need to get back to such a place again. It’s fun to be in such a place.

We shared about faith and confidence in cell group today, feels good! Some people have been criticizing and talking behind my back in my work place recently. Humph, I’ll not let their words define me! At the end of the day, I know myself best. “Words kill people.” I need to protect myself from words stemming from unfounded judgements.

Another great song I heard on the radio. I love the drum groove, and the voicing of the background instruments, and the backup vocals. Most of all, I love the lyrics and the meaning behind the song. Maaan!!! How great if I can write AND produce songs like this in future.

Thank God it’s a great saturday. Gotta sleep, k bye!

Now, my eye is sore. Was walking down to JW building yest when a speck of dust hit my eye. Bloody thing lodged so stubbornly deep within the cavities and has not ceased to irritate me now since last night!

This must be how pms is like.

Dedicated to…

So, someone’s remarked that this blog is barren for too long. Van, u better give me a good comment or two after reading this post k. Here’s a long one for ya.

So, life has been great as usual so far. I’m now a full-fledged lifeguard at Changi Naval Base. I was initially bummed because it’s at the outskirts, so outskirting that I have to take a shutter bus in. But, I couldn’t have thanked God enough that I’m posted there. The people there are warm, friendly and nice to get along with. Turns out that much training and swimming tests are going on over there from time to time, and THAT gives me a sense of purpose. Why? Because people are always struggling and drowning. Yes, my work becomes more interesting when people are in danger or on the verge of dying. I’ll probably die of boredom if I’m posted to other camps, where you can count the number of swimmers the whole day with just one hand, and everybody’s capable enough to swim. It’s more exciting at CNB. Oh, and the gym and running track is all right there in the sports complex. Where there’s no duty, I can swim or run to burn some fats, and gym to build some muscles. MAJOR plus. Best of all, there’s no guard duty! I like chiong sua, but doing “stationary” jobs like guard duty just bums me to the core!

Working at the sports complex couldn’t have been sweeter, if it’s not for this book titled: Waiter Rant. It’s probably the most delightful read ever for me. Hilarious, down-to-earth and practical, it talks about the waitering business in America, and about the author’s personal life. Of course, he’s a waiter himself, and a damn good writer. So much so that he published this book. Whether I’m doing duty or not, this book is always a pleasure to read. It just makes my day better. Check this waiter guy out on his blog.

Lately, have been hearing some very nice hits on the radio.

“I like to make myself believe, that planet earth tuuurrnnss… sloowwwlyyy”

The verses are crap. She whines too much it makes me sick. But I like the chorus, and the sample effects in the music. Nice!

All along, it’s been my dream to grow up one day to be in the music industry. Whether it’s being an artiste, or a music producer, sound engineer or whatever. That’s why my mind get stimulated whenever I listen to such music. I often enjoy listening to the production details and the sound effects that these kind of mainstream music has. I love thinking, hmm what makes this song tick? What makes this song so catchy and so on. While I’m on that topic, I think Timbaland is so great. He knows his stuff really well. I haven’t listen to him nowadays, but his past singles were always impressive to me. The production quality, the sound that he makes, it’s just wow.

Lately, I’ve been toying with the idea of writing some songs. On many occasions I’ve conjured so many great tunes and melodies in my head, I’m just able to play them once throughout in my mind. It’s just the lyrics. When it comes to lyrics I’m pretty much handicapped. There’s so much I want to express, so much abstract things that I’m amazed at in this world, but I just somehow can’t fit them in a paper. Then comes the dream of being a songwriter/producer in the music industry. I’m afraid of failure. What if I’m not street smart enough? What if I’m not capable enough? What if I’m not talented enough? What if, by then Singapore’s music industry still doesn’t bloom? I always thought I’m able to become who I want in the SAF, in NS. But it turned out that I did not. What if, the same happens to me in future? What if? I’m often paralyzed by all these fears.

Quoted from Waiter Rant the book. The Waiter talks about this lesbian woman whom he always encounter in his restaurant. This woman has been dining at the restaurant for years with her lover. Time goes by, and the woman has broken up with her lover, due to her drinking problems.

As I look at her and think of what to do next, a snippet from the Scriptures float into my brain: “Even the little that he has will be taken away.” That line is from the Parable of Talents found in the Gospel of Matthew. The parable’s a simple story. A master sets out on a long journey. Before he leaves he gives his three servants different amounts of money to invest for him. When the master returns from his travels, he asks the servants what they did with the cash. The first servant reports that he was given five talents, and he had made five talents more, and the master was greatly pleased. The second servant reported that he had received two talents, and he had made two talents more. The master was thrilled, praised the two servants for being good and faithful, and asked them to share in his riches with him. The third servant, the guy who received one talent, knew his master was a hard ass, so he buried the money has was given in the ground for safekeeping. He simply returned the original amount. The master freaked and called him a wicked and lazy servant. At minimum the guy should’ve put the money in a CD to make a little interest. The master commanded that the one talent be taken away from that lazy servant and given to the servant with ten talents. The master than ordered the lazy servant to be thrown outside into the darkness, where there was weeping and gnashing of teeth, saying, “Everyone who has much will be given more, and whoever has a little, even the little that he has will be taken away.”

This woman was once a bright, industrious person. What resources she had, whatever talents she possessed, are now buried under a sea of booze. She’s literally wasted her talents. Everything’s being taken away from her. I don’t know why this woman is the way she is, but it’s obvious she’s in the grip of some awful pain. Instead of confronting her anguish, she’s self-medicating with cheap wine.

I can relate to this woman’s pain. I’ve wasted my talents, too. I’m like that fearful servant who just buried the one talent he was given. I know I shouldn’t be a waiter anymore. My friends and family, the people who know me and love me, see me doing something else. Don’t misunderstand, there’s nothing wrong with being a waiter. But if you’re a waiter who knows he should really be doing something else, the tension between what you are and who you think you should be can tear your psyche apart. It’s like marrying one person but being in love with someone else.

The reason I’ve been fearful to utilize my talents is because I’m afraid of failure. I’m always waiting for disaster to strike, for the other shoe to drop. That’s why I never opened that coffee shop. That’s why my relationships have turned sour. It’s why I’m still fearful my writing will amount to nothing. That’s the real reason I haven’t quite The Bistro. I’m afraid I’ll fail if I try to do anything else.

My anxiety’s been manifesting itself in awful nightmares – angry, wild visions where I howl in rage as the world takes everything away from me. People tell me I’m a fraud, old girlfriends taunt me from the shadows, hard-faced men chase me through the streets, sadists torture my dog, and old people cry as they point at dead babies rotting in the gutter. On the rare occasion I manage to trap one of my tormenters, the dream devolves into a hellish orgy of violence, where I use every weapon at my disposal – including my teeth. These are the dreams of a man who feels his life floating away on the current of time. I am in a place of “darkness and gnashing of teeth.”

The Waiter has said it. It’s because of the fear that it holds us back from earning more talents and silver. Every feeling that The Waiter has used to describe is what I feel all the time about my dreams too. (Not the words in the context of the passage).

Many occasions, I feel like I’m borned for the music. It feels as if I have a certain affinity with music. God knows how many big dreams I think about everyday about how my future is like. I feel like I’m borned for great things. Then I feel as if I “snap back to reality” once my fear sets in, and I dismiss them as just daydreaming. For too many times I’ve done this. I’ve had enough. I’m sick of it. I don’t want to spend my whole life like The Waiter, doing something mundane while figuring out what to do with my life when I’m 30plus. I don’t want to be someone I’m not. I don’t want to be in a place of “darkness and gnashing of teeth”.

Next year, I’m gonna attend school to get myself equipped with hands-on experience in music. This year, I’m gonna start writing songs. I don’t care, I’m gonna do it, even as I’m aware my first songs are gonna be lame, crappy boring songs even as I don’t intend them to be. It’s just like how I started out learning guitar. Getting my fingers all painful, sitting infront of the computer all day watching videos and pretending to be a rockstar while my sister slams me for being a nuisance. I don’t care, this year, I’m gonna do it. Yeah. Now that I think of it, I’m pretty confident it will work out. My craft will get better as time goes by.

I’m gonna take this talent that He has put in my hands, and sow hard to reap for Him. I gave God my life, my time, my money. Now He has given me something to work for. He will bless me in my work and see me through!

Seriously. What could I say? It’s the small little actions that irritate you the most. For the first time, I couldn’t bring myself to thank God for the weekly Saturday night.

If that is the vision, I’ll fight for it, I’ll make sure it happens. I just wanna love God and His people more and more everyday. Never mind the crap.

Sadly, people misunderstand me sometimes. It breaks my heart that people don’t know me better.

Crazy Times – Jars of Clay

It’s 0325 in the morning, and I’m still awake.

So, I’ve been lately caught up with this song, and I think it’s cool.

You’re cold that way
And that’s why you say
The things that you say
You can’t attract
The things that you lack
You’re trying in vain

It seems it’s always the crazy times
You find you’ll wake up and realize
It takes more than your saline eyes
To make things right

You spiral down
You’ve broken your crown
You don’t feel like a queen
You’ve seen the proof
But you’re still crying wolf
You’ll never believe

You try to climb a broken ladder
Grip the missing rungs
And fall down, down, down
Seems sometime ago you said
This wouldn’t last
And now you sit here crying

Beside your bed
You feel left for dead
You kneel in the dark…

It takes more than your saline eyes
To make things right